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current muse :: |
2004-06-27 :: 9:38 p.m. :: adding to the chaos short story: we moved the wedding from seven months to seven weeks, and the new date is august 14th. am vascillating between ecstatically happy and highly frustrated, from moment to moment. have spent 12-14 hour days this past week re-planning the wedding, to some extent. hard on the mind to go from that long of a time to adjust to getting married, which is a pretty huge thing. has led to some confusing moments. as always, wish i had more time to process. overall, it's a good thing. will be much better to be overseas married than engaged. will be nice to get rid of annoying things like having to unload groceries in two different places, or having two bills when we buy things. is a harder adjustment to voluntarily give up independence. perhaps harder for me, a semi-self-confessed control freak, is not being able to do things like i like them. keeping things clean, or organized, how i like them. taking care of details sooner rather than later. and it's a lot of adjusting, being with someone else all the time. learning about each other. learning that just because we're different, and react to things differently, doesn't mean that one of us is wrong. like, he gets upset at things more easily than i do. traffic, roommates, etc. quick, strong reaction, then gets over it. spikes of response. i do more of a waves of response thing. the down side to that is that sometimes the wave breaks when you're not expecting it to. e.g. last night when he expressed frustration (while out to dinner at a restaurant) that he didn't feel fully free to express himself when he got mad at things (because he would affect me, which has gone badly a couple of times in the last two weeks), i had trouble not crying right there at the restaurant. it's a hard thing, giving so much of yourself to someone. it leads to extremes, seemingly. high highs and low lows. i'm used to a pretty even keel, so that makes things difficult for someone like me. hmmm. so much for 5 minutes (am waiting for him to help me carry my groceries home - he's upstairs finishing a live interface video game session). hate those games, by the way. he gets so immersed in them that i disappear. not that he isn't allowed to relax or has to spend every minute focused on me, but when i talk to him and he's playing, he probably doesn't hear me/respond at least 50% of the time. or times like now, where i think he's going to be 5 minutes but it turns into more like 10 or 15 because he's playing. ick. still need more space. still need more breathing room. had a week of relaxation (including snorkeling and ocean kayaking in a mangrove swamp) in florida with my parents, which went well, but it was only a brief respite from this psychotic year. which, to confess my part in that, we just made more chaotic. start a new class tomorrow - microfinance. should be good, but as of tomorrow, we're back in intensive classes for a month, which is going to be crazy. because i'm also planning a wedding, a field semester, a future, and trying to solidify my position at work so they'll hopefully give me a job offer before i leave for the field semester. we'll see about that. one boss telling me one timeframe, another something different. keeps me on my toes, anyway. the sucky part about that, however, is that i just got a huge loan refund check, and with all the other stresses going on right now, i would just as soon stop working there now since i have the cash in my bank account. one month of money made there won't make that much of a difference in finances, but a month of not working there could make a huge difference mentally. anyway. off to be tucked in. :) |