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current muse :: |
2004-06-09 :: 10:04 p.m. :: stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it... hmmm. seem to be averaging an entry a month here. wish i had time/made time for more than that. this month has been both taxing and exhilerating. taxing in that i'm busier - or rather, feel busier, than i've ever been. which for me is saying a lot. exhilerating because i never really knew what it felt like to be in love until now, and it's quite a ride. have taken two 3 credit classes in the last month. good content that i'm very interested in, but hard schedule. the first was community development, the second advocacy and human rights. we're still finishing the latter; i have six pages out of ten for our paper written (done in a two hour block tonight, which i was rather proud of) and tomorrow leave at 6am for an all day field trip to DC. visit world vision, some health group, an advocacy group, and someone else... can't keep it all in my head! i'm sure it will be good in retrospect, but i'm not looking forward to getting up at 5:30 and being gone all day. i've been more mentally and emotionally strained in the last two months than any other time in my life except one (that whole period right after dave died). side effects of being in love and in grad school and in a job you like, i guess. classes alone are fine. work is fine. being in love is fine. any two of those together is fine. but somehow, when you add the third, everything goes haywire in my brain. oh - and the whole esther debacle didn't help any. thank heavens - literally - that she's gone now. she was a large part of this, but i feel like i haven't had a home in awhile. i literally got to the point where all i did was sleep, shower, and eat (sometimes) at home. i spent most of my time at at work, at tim's house, in class, or at a coffeeshop studying. for an introvert, to always be out and about, and always be with another person - i was headed straight for burnout. i cried every month (PMS kept getting the best - or worst - of me!) whether i wanted to or not. i got irritable. i was always tired. i was surviving. and i hated that. i'm not completely out of the woods yet, but tim and i have agreed to give each other a little more solitude (a mainstay of the introvert diet which we've been ignoring because we never wanted to part... doesn't that sound rather romeo and juliett-ish?) :). thus i'm home tonight for a couple of hours before i go to bed (yep. that's worth writing about - it's been that extreme). plus i have a bit of a break, which is good. am headed off to florida for a week with tim. we'll meet my parents down there and stay at a timeshare they have on the beach. will be heavenly and much-needed. then another week without classes, but i'll be working and doing advance reading for the next class we have - microfinance. should be interesting but am afraid it will be very number-ish. then one more class, a trip across the country, four months overseas, and a wedding! our plans for next year are still hazy, but there's a little more form in the haze. it's looking more and more likely that i could be working for geneva from a distance next year, perhaps even full time. would be good money, which would be nice. we could pay off loans faster than we had thought, rent a house (which we found out is actually comparable to a decent apartment in salem), and have fun. if all that goes through, there's a good chance we might get to australia and new zealand - maybe for a one-year anniversary? i keep having these surreal moments where i can't believe the words that are coming out of my mouth. me. wedding. married. honeymoon. anniversary. or tim and i will be doing something rather random and i'll look over at him and be literally somewhat shocked that i'm looking at the face of the man i'm going to marry. it's all happened so fast that i think my unconscious is still trying to catch up on the details. speaking of the unconscious, had a rather disturbing dream last night. tornadoes coming - but never came. was showing tim and counting how many there were - 8, i think. then a whole long sequence which played twice in my head, of boarding a big cruise ship that was docked and having huge tidal waves come and some sort of disaster show up, although i can't remember anything to speak of. people dying, people diving off the ship, some people being rescued. the first time i dreamed it, after 24 hours i ended up on a small sand-only island with some other people. the second time i dreamed it, i remembered that i was on this sandbar for 36 hours before i got rescued, so i packed some food to take with me. but the spookiest part was that my mom was on the ship too, but she wasn't herself. she was wearing a lavender shirt, her hair was crazy and asymmetrical, and she wouldn't talk to me. just kept disappearing around corners and i couldn't get to her. had to shout out whatever i wanted to say and hope she could hear me. ended up having to leave her on the ship when i jumped off because she wouldn't come out. jumped into a dump, where i was immediately manhandled by security guards who brusquely informed me that peasants (me, apparently) weren't allowed there. i and my food bag got out. i was happy to be alive, but somewhat traumatized. found a list of names of people who were on the ship and what their status was. my mom was still unaccounted for. anyway. doesn't sound all that frightening maybe, but it was a horrible feeling to wake up to. got my new camera today. an olympus c-750. it's the bomb. yep. i really did just say that, because it's that cool. 10x optical, 40x digital zoom. 4.2 megapixels. 12 shooting modes, including movie mode with sound. the night mode is incredible - i tried it out on the fireflies tonight and the amount of light it can pick up is incredible. built in flash, but with a hot shoe. is virtually an SLR. manual everything if you want it. or automatic everything if you want it. no more film. can delete photos immediately. can email photos without scanning. lots lighter and compacter than my old system. can you tell i'm excited?! well, should head to bed. have to get up at 5:30. need my sleep. hopefully it will be dreamless. |